Recently we posted about RUOK? Day which prompted me to think about the times I have been asked how to have conversations like this. The main concern I hear from people is that they may not know the “right thing to say” or how to solve the situation for the person. It can also be incredibly distressing to see someone distressed. I suspect that there is an underlying expectation that they are able to ‘fix’ the person somehow. Understandably most people feel ill equipped to handle such a task. I often have young people in my office who may be struggling under the weight of their friends’ concerns and may find themselves ending friendships to manage or eliminate this distress. I think it is important to distinguish between the sort of help a professional provides and the sort of help friends might provide. Help in a professional form does look like something that the professional is actively doing to work with the problem the person is having – defining, problem solving, skill building, reframing – all in an incremental and planned way. But getting the person in the door for that help often starts with a friend, family member or colleague reaching out to check in and being a good ear. Sometimes being the ear is the only help that is required at that time, in other cases, it is a necessary first step to finding resolution.
The key to being a good ear lies in genuine, deep listening and allowing yourself to hear their distress with an open mind, without rushing to think of the next thing to say or to resolve their distress in an instant. Whenever I am speaking to someone about empathic listening, I turn to Youtube, specifically – Brene Brown’s clip on Empathy vs. Sympathy. At just under 3 minutes, it is brief but a fantastic way to understand the sentiment behind having an empathic conversation. Brene says “empathy is feeling with people” and “the truth is rarely can a response make something better – what makes something better is connection”.
One of the great things that a friend or family member can do which a professional can’t is to be there physically for the distressed person – to be the shoulder to cry on (literally) and to provide an emotional and mental break from what is going on for them by being someone to walk with, watch a movie with or just having a laugh or completely unrelated conversation with. No professional can do that and that is what makes the role of friend so entirely important and unique – not because friends are expected to have all the answers – but because they can show up to witness the hard times and the good. They can listen and sometimes that is just exactly what someone needs.